A few years ago I was introduced to a theory from the British anthropologist Robin Dunbar, who believes humans are only capable of maintaining 150 relationships. Dunbar has broken down the number into 4 different social circles: 5 close friends, 15 friends, 50 acquaintances, and 80 familiars. Another way to label these groups is by using primitive language, such as 5 kin, 15 super family, 50 clan, and 80 tribe.

I took these numbers seriously and began to make my lists of the people in my life, with the most difficult dilemma involving my top 5. The problem was that I only had one and a half friends who qualified for the title, and that made me feel sad. Fortunately I had other friends who I would like to develop closer relationships with, so I made the decision I was going to reach out to them more often than I had in the past.

What are the obstacles in developing a friendship? Physical distance. I usually don’t make plans with someone who lives outside my city.

There is also an obstacle within the schedule and duties surrounding my husband and children, and my potential friend has the same limitations.

I will confess there is an obstacle, and that is the development of podcasts, not to mention other modern distractions. Often when I have a moment to myself, I will indulge in listening to a podcast instead of calling a friend.

And one more to add to the list, money. Money is an obstacle for me, typically it costs money to hang out with friends: Lunch, shopping, movies, concerts…I am so glad I have friends who will go on a walk with me, or meet me as the art museum, activities that don’t require money.

Right about the same time when I was making my lists, I discovered a friend who lived 45 minutes away from me had found breast cancer in her body. I had always enjoyed every moment spent with this woman, but because of the distance of our homes and the commitments to her many children, I never expected more from this relationship. What if she didn’t conquer this invader? What if there was no more time to pursue the friendship? I have enjoyed her and felt an instant kinship to her since the first time she invited Daniel and I over for dinner back in the year 2000. I resolved that I would not take our connection for granted, that I would not allow these obstacles get in my way of having someone special in my life.

Birthdays are a must when you are showing your love for someone. On birthday months, I made sure to reach out with a text and ask my potential 5 if we could make plans for celebration. I tracked the weeks and the months, sending a text, to check in with them, if we hadn’t already connected for awhile.

Whenever I found myself excited about something I was learning, I would use that as an opportunity to reach out to my future besties and share. Sharing a link to a podcast or website, or sharing my impressions from the Holy Ghost provided a fun way to interact, as their responses would usually create more conversations. I also started reaching out to my friends with questions, sometimes in a formal letter, and sometimes in a text. When I found myself unsure on how to react to a situation, or upset and full of unfamiliar emotions, I would ask for advice. Exposing my vulnerabilities blessed me, it supplied the space to feel their love and glean from their wisdom.

I was happy with the frequency of quality texts between me and my friends; and then one day I stopped to realize, I was doing all the initiating. These women still were not reaching out to me in their times of distress, and that is how I judge the depth of a relationship- if they would confess to me and rely on me. Nope. Where they confessing to someone else? Was that special spot already filled for them? Or, were they pushing through life, not confessing to anyone? Is it possible to go through life holding it all in? No. Everyone vents when they really need to. But maybe this modern busy society keeps us from nurturing friendships…

Regardless of whether I am the odd one out, or not, I decided it didn’t feel good to feel sorry for myself. I chose to be happy again by focusing on being a good friend to the women I wanted to have in my life. I am grateful, I can see that by small and simple ways, great friendships are coming to pass. I am witnessing the fruits of my garden, they are not quite ripe, but I see the evidence of their growth and I look forward to my harvest.